carpe diem

you know, despite having what is arguably the worst year of my life, i'm feeling allright. life is good. and i'm happier now than i was when i was spending all of my time and effort to make someone else happy.
seize the f*cking day.
i gave so much of myself to make her happy. but now that i'm free of her influence, i'm happy for the first time in quite a while. the only sad thing is that i didn't realise this until late last night as i sat on the steps outside my apartment smoking a cigarette all alone. that's when it occured to me that i am happy and life isn't that bad after all.

i don't belong here - 12 december 2002

blow out your candle,
stop watching the road.
i told you before
this place is not my home.

i see you watching from the window
i know you're on the porch at night.
why can't you understand
this is your home and not mine?

so wipe away your tears
and stop your midnight prayers.
i'm gone and not returning
because i don't belong here.

enigma - 25 september 2002

just as i begin to presume
thinkly arrogantly
that i have interpreted correctly
this puzzle left before me,
you change.
slip off
drift past
and float away
once again out of reach.
as i begin to believe
i have you caught
within my grasp
you twist
like the light of a prism
arcing upon a distant wall
and evade my touch.
you are my labrynth
my riddle
my maze
my enigma.

my favourite word

entropy
- the irreversible tendency of a system, including the universe, toward increasing disorder; also, the final state predictable from this.
- from the greek <en-> in + <trepein> to turn.
(funk & wagnalls, standard desk dictionary, 1966)

excerpts from The Tragicall History of D. Faustus, by christopher marlowe; scene 14

FaustusAh Faustus,
Now hast thou but one bare hour to live,
And then thou must be damned perpetually.

The stars move still, time runs, the clock will strike.
The devil will come, and Faustus must be damned.
O, I'll leap up to my God: who pulls me down?
See, see where Christ's blood streames in the firmament;
One drop would save my soule, half a drop, ah, my Christ!
Ah, rend not my heart for naming of my Christ,
Yet will I call on him.

Let Faustus live in hell a thousand years,
A hundred thousand, and at last be saved.
O, no end is limited to damned souls.

All beasts are happy, for when they die,
Their souls are soon dissolved in elements,
But mine must live still to be plagued in hell.

Curst be the parents that engendered me.
No, Faustus, curse thyself, curse Lucifer,
That hath deprived thee of the joys of heaven.

My God, my God, look not so fierce on me;
let me breathe a while;
Ugly hell gape not, come not Lucifer;
I'll burn my books! Ah, Mephistophilis.

group sex in canada

i read this article today on msn.com detailing the trial against swingers' clubs in montreal. the case went to their supreme court and the court ruled in favour of the clubs, saying that they posed no threat to society. if you'd like to check out the article it's at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10561253/
i wonder how long it'll be before we here about similar efforts to both establish and deter swingers' clubs in the states.

waiting -- 07 october 2005

sitting in an uncomfortable chair
i flip through magazines
waiting.
someone find me a doctor,
a nurse, an intern;
someone to tell me what's wrong,
to give me a prognosis.
but don't make me sit here
waiting.
run some tests, look at charts,
tap my knee and take my pulse,
draw my blood, make me piss,
check my ears, eyes and throat.
so long as i'm not still here
waiting.
will i live or will i die?
should i lie down and take two pills
or sit down and compose my will?
give it to me straight, doc
tell me how long i have to live.
cause even dying is better
than
waiting.

you should've known -- 07 october 2005

keep your excuses
forget your apologies
save your sweet good-byes

don't tell me you hate this
don't tell me you're sorry
don't tell me you wish i could stay

you made that choice
you made this happen
you made me want to leave

you shut me out
you shoved me away
you pushed me too far

now you must let me go.

dichotomy -- 05 october 2005

i hate you again today
same as yesterday.
tomorrow i may love you
but i won't know until then.

my heart swells one hour
and withers the next.
full of blood for now
but soon you'll bleed me dry.

inconsistently you love me
constantly bringing pain.
my hopes are fleeting
despair will surely return.

i loved you again today
same as yesterday.
tomorrow i may leave you
but i won't know until then.